I AM LIVING (& without you)


did I ever love you? I don't really know, I perhaps only celebrated that grand feeling of lovelessness all throughout or it might be something else that I am not aware of. I only died numerous times in you, died in, died out and you left no more space to live. You only allowed me to die. Did you ever teach me love? You didn't for sure. You only asked me to wet your hair, wet your feet, wet your lips and what not but eyes. I wetted them. The world knew me as ‘not a poet’ but you knew me as the poet of bad letters. I never thought or cared much for you except times when I was taken by the obsession of caring besides that Feb affair which in silly mushy terms is called valentines day. Wasn’t I getting used to writing letters with my blood? Anyway that at least proved to be a successful vent for letting out filthy flood of blood that ran all through me. How come your eyes not drop a single ‘boond’ of ‘asu’(if I am not wrong) when I was rotting in that loveless, airless (although air-conditioned) cabin? Not for the sight of my plight but for that poor bed that was bearing the ‘unbearable’ me. I was not for sure popping pills. I thought I had purchased 2-3 files of happiness that can provide me with painless happiness. I must agree that those needles were really hurting but it was even worse when the doctors pushed those 1 yard long ones and I safely returned *sigh*. Oh! I must thank you for providing me with that daily dose of popularly known as tranquilizers which to me are escape route to forget you and I am definitely high on them. And those once a month session of 15 injections that render me immobile are what I eagerly look up to because that provides me with the rare opportunity of my ‘AMMA’ or ‘MAMMA’ feeding me, nursery days come crawling once again. But I don’t like those tears which lurk in the corners of their eyes. I know you are happy and why shouldn’t you be? Now you are warming the coziest NISSAN sit and my poor splendor is now on servicing. One can find oneself in a sea of words to boast of an engineer not an English graduate. Do you still frown when your guy uses profanities as I used to? And what about your hair? Is it still of the same length or has grown longer? Do you still clasp his hand while crossing a road? Does your big bro know him? Believe me I would not have retaliated even if you had not been standing right in front of me while he was helping me with that door-stopper and ruler. You asked me to prove my love and wasn’t that enough? My cricket love came in quite handy as the cause for all that nose and mouth bleeding and the arm fracture was duly based upon Duse ball and untimely diving. And now you send me FB request of ‘what is your stress quotient?’ Don’t you know that I am in JUDE and JUDEans are not supposed to take ‘chaap’. I guess you have offered the biggest possible word of thanks to VODAfone for providing you with ‘screen caller’ option. And now I am still living and living without you, perhaps I never lived with you as such, did I? I only lived with your clasping hand, your popcorn munching teeth, your ‘laagi tumse man ki lagan’ caller tune and of course your yearning for blood but YOU.